Click on the icon to the left to read some of the exploits in the life our stirrectomologist in our coffee stirrers weblog. And why not.
Coffee Stirrer Central turns Multimediochre!
Listen with the power of audible sound to a welcome to the fascinating world of Stirrectomology.
About the collector:
The collection was started as a side-effect of an experimental anti-psychotic drug. The collector, Jasper Rubbermullet, has trawled the length and breadth of the country finding rare and marvelous stirrers to astound and aghast. This internationally impotant collection is now available to view online here, in addition to a huge resource of information for the stirrectomologist, amateur, enthusiast and incredulous layman alike.
26/8/05 Blockbuster Movie Planned
From our Hollywood correspondent, Geoff Walmsley
A psychological thriller due to be out this autumn about a serial killer whose victims are found stabbed through the spleen with sharpened coffee stirrers, is predicted to be a this years biggest smash hit of 2005. The film, rumoured to star Steve Martin in the lead role, is based on the real life story of an alleged serial killer whose victims were found stabbed through the spleen with sharpened coffee stirrers. Director, Greb Walowski explained "filming started last week in LA, and we’re up to the bit where the killer has labotomised his first victim with a coffee stirrer and is dumping the unconcious body into a relaxing acid bath. I can’t wait to see what happens next". Box office takings are expected to exceed this years biggest film so far, Ghost Fish starring Steve Martin. For a preview and details of the film, go to www.stabbystabbydiediethemovie.com.
7/11/04 Counterfeit Coffee Stirrers seized
Police and Trading Standards officers arrested five people and seized over £3.5 worth of counterfeit coffee stirrers in a raid on a house in Dionne, warwickshire. The raid which took place on Tuesday after a tip-off by local grass, Ronnie ‘the grass’ Dixon, was hailed a success by organisor Detective Constable Felix Chum, who had sold tickets to the event to the public through the local newspaper and radio advertising. The fake coffee stirrers, which were destined to be sold at car boot sales, were found by trading standards officials to be over 8 feet long (about 32 metres) by 4 feet wide (about 32 metres), and were ‘wholly unsuitable’ for stirring coffee. The five miscreants arrested in the raid were released on bail after a minor kicking. Interestingly a 14th century law, still current on the statute books, makes the ‘utterance of false stierers’ an offence punishable by hanging. The Warwickshire force have placed a card in the newsagents advertising for an official hangman, who will preside over the hangings next Friday. To attend call Ticketline on 0880 665669.
29/10/04 Inventor Dead as a Do do
Brian Globb, 62, who discovered the Mulching Harpsical, the first transistorised coffee stirrer, suffocated yesterday at his home in Ayr in a bizarre yawning accident. Globb, who would have been 65 today, yawned in a bedroom curtain as he slept with his wife’s sister in his home inside the bedroom, which prevented breathing and led to his suffocation within hours. Neighbours wept openly with joy as his body was carried out in some sort of long hexagonal wooden box with brass handles. Globb rose to fame with the invention of the transistorised stirrer in 1958, which revolutionised. He leaves a wife and one or two children and a nice laptop computer which our reporter pinched. Please send donations in lieu of flowers to our usual address at Coffee Stirrer Central.
10/9/04 Stirrexpo hits Workington
Stirrexpo 2004 which closed today was hailed a huge success by television veteran veterinary and old person insurance advert man, Christopher Timothy. The three day event which began in style with a £10 firework display on Monday heralded the move into the 20th century for the coffee stirrer industry. A fully automatic prototype stirrer demonstrated by inventor James Winnet was shown to actually stir coffee using a "complex arrangement of electro-mechanical components generating rotational shear within the liquid". An on-looker who’s toe I trod on described it as being "very obviously an electric toothbrush with a coffee stirrer stuck in the end I can’t believe I paid for my family to come into this dross who’s in charge here". On day two delegates were treated to a free buffet and drinks although this later turned out to have belonged to an unconnected adjacent seminar on anger management and the day ended with a fracas. A preview of the newest stirrer for 2005, "the epsilon quiltface" had been accidentally left at home, and day three ended prematurely due to bad quiche. Mrs. Bush played the piano.
10/9/04 Website Upgrade
Once we have got over teething problems (ie, being arsed to sort it out), CSC will be going through an upgrade. This will give the site more wonderful features and is guaranteed not to contain a source of phenylalanine. However, the site may or may not be down for a little while, depending on how long our skilled Technical Web Augmentation Team (inset into a photograph to the direct right of this text over there ->) takes to carry out the work. Watch this spac.
7/7/04 *** NEW UPDATE *** A coffee stirrer weblog
Apologies for those of you who may have noticed a hiatus in updates for CSC. I have been very busy with various projects and research. I will attempt to remedy this with a brand new feature: a coffee stirrers weblog. Point your browser to the new page and read all about my exploits as they happen. I guarantee you'll be amazed. Lets blog off ...
28/3/04 Stirrer Factory destroyed in War
The government today announced that Allied Carpet bombing in Baghdad has destroyed an Iraqi stirrer factory, reported to be producing coffee stirrers for ‘militeristic purposes’. The Defence Secretary, Jeff Hoon spoke today with words: "this is a major breakthrough for coalition forces, the stirrers were destined to be used in acts of aggression against our troops I should imagine". His US counterpart, Donald Rumsfeld, echoed these words "I should imagine magine agine gine gine ine", as he shouted down a well. The Iraqi Ministry of Sound denied the stirrers were destined for the military. Using the internet to translate the statement, the Iraqi minister, Afach Al’ Doitmeself explained "For the way, in that you can think, could these infidels the Quirle for bombs to be used, were them assigned medicine and food. God hears and judges no aggressors." For the full transcript of the Iraqi statement click here.
28/2/04 The latest must-have for all kitchens
We came across this advert in the trade magazine "Stirrers Digest Journal" which may be of interest to anyone who’s ever stirred sugar into a drink by accident. This handy gadget effortlessly removes the sugar and is certainly on the Christmas list here at the CSC offices. Click on the picture to see the full-sized advert. This will be on display at Stirrexpo 2005 in Warrington. Or you can contact the manufacturer directly I suppose if you can't wait. Whatever. It's up to you. I'm off for a beer.
14/2/04 And the winner of the 2004 grand colouring competition is…
Richard Crowther of Stockpork, Cheshire. Congratulations, you have won all three prizes which will be wingeing their way to you shortly. Richard’s entry, simply entitled "monotone or monochrome?", impressed the judges greatly by being the first one we received which was not accompanied by threats of violence. Interestingly enough, Richard banks at the Didsbury branch of Barclays, his sort code is 23-45-07, a/c no. 01735482 and his mothers maiden name is 'Middleton'. His pin number is 7538.
1st prize was an antique Ecumenical Narwhal
2nd prize was another antique Ecumenical Narwhal
3rd prize was not won due to lack of interest
Another competition is in the pipeline so keep continuing to return to this page for continuing details.
14/1/04 Nationwide Stirrectomology results … latest
Cheesefoster 4 Glad Fratinisation 1
Pendulous Alcove-hmm 0 Floorsprung Technique 1
Pie Helpline 1 Sutton Wedgefoot 2
Trout Barbarians P Longdoggerbadkink P
Semaphore Quack 1 Indecent Explosion 1
13/12/03 Stirrectomitis on the Rise oh dear
Doctors from St Primulas Teaching Hospital in Beribury have issued a warning of an increase in Stirrectomitis, the disorder affecting brains of thousands of people. The disorder was first diagnosed in 1984 in a Stirrectomologist from Immingham, who made a full recovery before dying. Symptoms include: six signs of aging, itchy flaky scalp, seven signs of unhealthy-looking hair, and a twitchy arse. It is estimated that up to 80% of stirrectomologists may have it. Dr. Leyland Dougmountjoy explained "an early sign of the disorder is being able to see coffee stirrers where none exist, hence we use of the Rorschach Ink Blot test, see picture opposite". The disorder can be treated with Sunny Delight and Mains Electricity.
4/12/03 Harry Potter™ Stirrer Sales Surge
Major High Street chains were today reporting phenominimal Coffee Stirrer sales with demand-supply outstrippage caused by the new Harry Potter™ film, 'The Chamberpot of Secrets'. Parents were quietly gouging out each others eyes whilst patiently waiting to buy the latest toy, the 'Magical Stirrer of Macaroon™' for their baying offspring. In the film, Harry (inset) is seen using his stirrer for various magical tasks including scratching his back, writing some lines and obviously stirring his coffee. Far Eastern Sweat Shops™ are working round a clock to get toys into shops before Christmas, and prices are racketeering for the 2003 kiddies 'must have' (RRP £89.99). A spokesperson for Childline asked CSC reporters to get off the phone, this is a charity to help children for God's sake, not some sort of representive body for childrens views, or we'll call the police.
27/11/03 Pornographic Stirrectomological Site Blasted
A pornographic Coffee Stirrer website caused outrage when one of our staff stumbled across it. The site, featuring stirrectomologically explicit double entry hammerdrill turboporn action, was investigated at great length by our reporter for a four month period before the site was closed down and he alerted Coffee Stirrer Central. The reporter was today described by colleagues as being 'a blind, hairy-palmed tosser'.
27/11/03 International Stirrer Day, 25 December 2002
It's that time of the year again once again folks. Last years event was celebrated worldwide with national holidays, families gathering to sing around a tree, and feature length "You've Been Framed", and was hailed. Let's not forget though the true meaning of the International Day of the Stirrer, and the significance this day has to minions worldwide. Stirribbons for this years event are available from the following outlets: Nero's Newsagent & Lottery Superstore, Vase Lane, Crouton, E. Sussex.
22/11/03 Disaster due to Fire Burning
Hundreds were unhurt last night as fire ripped though a major coffee stirrer warehouse in Bleeding Oval in Dorset. Firecrews from five countries fought the blaze as the owners, Reginald Cheeseflan & Gary Wilmott sifted through the debris today looking lost and dazed. A spokesman with a bad toupee and a built-up shoe explained in a bizarre dialect how the fire started suddenly when 2 gallons of petrol left soaking into the carpet behind the letterbox were accidentally ignited by a burning rag. Mrs Bush played the piano. Police are treating the fire as a large hot flamey thing.
15/11/03 Massacre Compensation No
Renewed calls for compensation today were eschewed by the Government for victims of the 1952 Twee-in-Furnace Stirrectomology Massacre. The mishap occurred when the Bishop of Aspatria, Dr. Hilary Bivalve entered an MoD Stirrretomological Research Laboratory and anglepoised half of the staff in a violent culloden of misery. The protest was in complaint of plans to stick coffee stirrers into monkeys and tie them to atomic bombs. The government said no.
1/11/03 Major find in Cheshire
Stirrectomologists around the world were aghasted to reel to the news that a Bronze Age stirrer was discovered around the area of Witherspoon in Spocktort, Cheshire. The stirrer is descibed as being rather 'musty and colonic' by one Stirrectomologist who refused to have a name. Details are rather sketchy, but if corroborated, this could lead to a widening of opinion on prehistoric stirring.
30/8/03 World polymer doubtage leads to speculation
Angryness broke out today in Brussels when the International Polymer Confederation announced doubtage over EU levelling measures. Robert T Spack, an IPC spokesman voiced the feelings of other members by spitting feathers in a press conference where he described himself as "defiling common sense". It is not clear what effect the doubtage will have on the Coffee Stirrer industry during 2004, although what is clear.
* The weekend for two in Bradford includes accommodation in our garage for up to two nights. It does not include transport to the accommodation, any meals, or anything else. Winners should expect clutter. Prize to be taken before 31/12/03. No cash alternative.
http://www.cassinigap.co.uk simply the only band in the world. Yes, I am a member of Cassini Gap, so I may be somewhat biased in this statement.
© 2002-2006 Rubbermullet
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