The Valupak Biception (findus Blasphemia)

A floating stem and bindweed annulment mark the Valupak Biception's similarities to other marques of this type. The 1951 Festival of Britain presented a "Kitchen of the future" which contained stirrers made out of every possible colour of post-war bakelite (there were three: brown, dark brown, and brownish). It is definitely a stirrer of its' time, as they were only ever made that year.

The Asymmetrical Ghost (spoonus Maximus)

So called due to its pale and almost translucent hue and its slight asymmetry caused by mould seepage when manufactured. A good dependable stirrer, although squeakily complacent with over-sweetened tea. Watch out for cut and shut examples.

The Moderate Reception (ghandilia Whitspunica)

Lackadaisical in the extreme. Definitely a specialist collectors piece, can be far too assertive for some. It’s name originates from its’ petulant design which was once banned by the Victorians for being too shapely: "akin to the finest ankle of a lady", gasped William Gladstone in 1873 in ‘Ichabod Wimpy’s Meat Patty Emporium’

The Full Reception (g. Countdownicus)

A variegated version of the above, worth mentioning due to its annualised crenellations.

The Falling Angel (stichibellius Flapcochia)

Glandular by default, this dream of a stirrer is a classic design which has inspired writers and poets throughout the centuries. Sometimes a little wafty for everyday usage, but will just run and run. A sinstral version of this design was manufactured by the allies in WW1 and fired into German trenches during the battle of Ypres, Ypres being the Belgian word for coffee stirrer. It didn’t work.

The Sorted E (qualcastia Strimmia)

A modern design, perfected by Judas Matalan in 1994, the Sorted E is both frenetic and phrenological. Exposed stuttering on the latent side allows for full counterbalanced oscillation. An acquired taste for some, and can keep you twitching for days, although beware: it may make your arse reboot. Always read the label

© 2002-2006 Rubbermullet